This post has been brewing all day. Maybe for a year or more. Thanks for being kind as I let a little more out. I wanted to explore a bit of what it's like to write and be vulnerable and honest as I share my story a little more.
A year ago these three things were a part of who I was (all at the same time):
1. A Case of Strep Throat.
2. A dog wearing an E-collar after eye surgery. He eventually lost sight in his right eye after running into a stick chasing a squirrel.
3. A Job Situation that would make many of us run for the hills. And I started to. Because I didn't feel like I had a choice.
Oh man. Did I struggle not to become the jaded old lady who wanted to only talk about these three things.
I spent a lot of time with my Mr.
I closed my circle in a little further.
I quit writing.
I quit running.
I slept. A Lot.
Well. That's not a healthy list.
I took up Bible reading, because I knew if I was going to make it, I had to let everything fall away and let there be only Jesus. Wowza. That part was HARD. Because I can do this thankyouverymuch. And at that point, what else did I have left emotionally? Not much. Also, may I gently say, notice I said Jesus and not the church. Sometimes seeing the wrong side of the church can be soul crushing. And church was crushing mine at the time. I went. I sat in the back. I cried. I left early. I visited lots of different ones to stay invisible. Because I only wanted to be seen by Jesus.
So. After a year. A Year that wasn't without more to add to the list, here I am.
And the stress of last year?
Because I sit here this year with two new things:
- values clarification. I feel pretty rooted in what I value at this point. I don't feel like I'm struggling at this point to know what I feel is important. (In case you are wondering, Love is at the center of these values. Because everyone of us deserves that. Everyone. I will Always lead with love. Which might be translated into feeding you something.)
- a protected heart. After a lot of clawing, crying, laying down, getting back up again, and crying some more, I came out on the other side. And I know that I was being protected spiritually from things that won't ever deliver what my heart seeks.
I can abide in what I know protects my heart and values:
- Quiet time with Jesus. (Reading. A Lot.)
- Time at home. With Mr.
- I'm writing again.
- I'm running again.
- Sharing Love.
- Spending time with wise, discerning women. That is critical to my well-being.
The joy of coming out of this journey? I can see it as laughable.
I'll take that.
Joy! (In the laughing.)